自從NM結束後,這兩天仍然未想寫接下來的功課.加上今天跟I班的人聊過天後,得知他班的NT平均分是32時,使我更感到自已沒用,真的無可奈何,相差人家的平均分足足有10分......

今晚繼續在圖書館磨桌子,結果花了兩小時弄得脖子都彊得發痛,也只不過是弄懂了部份文法.回到宿舍後想起老師是NSW的代表隊,我總不能丟他的臉,然後又發瘋的在練習揮劍.一邊揮,一邊在想到底還能撐多久.洗臉時發覺已經一副老臉的自己來到這兒後變得更老了,到底蹭磨了這些歲月之後.除了得到這老邁的臉孔,我還得到了什麼?像Lily說的別計較結果,但做人,特別是年輕的人,有可能不計較結果嗎?努力的做每一件事為的不是結果,會是什麼?就算很傲慢的說:「為知識(或者其他的東西).」它不同樣是一個結果嗎?

早兩天丹青決定回港順道找我聚舊.談了一會後,她說這次我又去讀很久的書.我笑了笑也不知能讀多久.如今,在中學的同學當中還有聯絡的也沒幾個吧?還有聯絡的都幾乎是死黨或者一些本身就很投緣的人.其他的幾乎都是再沒來往,當中除了是我離開香港這地方太久之外,更重要的想必是我跟他們本身都很疏遠吧?畢竟所謂的「問題學生」不是太多人會跟他們交流吧?哈哈...所以我都很重視如今還有聯絡的同學,世上始終真的沒多少人能不介意一些所謂的眼光.感謝他們......

太多追求嗎?還是追求的難度太高了?如今讀完書還得練劍,也由於眼前這樣的師資使我沒藉口去偷懶.自己亦很怕被人視為垃圾,很怕自已在人家眼中仍舊絲毫不變.連眼前的新南威士代表也不能追上的話,日後如何去跟別的人比較?

神啊.你要再多的眼淚我都給你好了,請你給我一次,就一次讓我的付出得到我應有的回報......我已經再沒有第二次機會了,再沒有更多的青春和信心投放到一件事當中.這次我把賭注全都押到劍道上了,別像以前那樣了...好嗎?

這晚霞,乍看下似山,卻不是山,像雲卻不像雲...前境真的很迷惘,除了拼全力讀書和打劍之外,我已經想不到可以做點什麼了.一切聽天由命吧?

Although I have paid my effort on study, it seems like it doesn’t move a little. Because every time when I get my result, my mark is lower than my classmates certainly, and it is not just a little distance. With time, about few weeks after, the situation didn’t change any more. I don’t know the problem where it is, I just know studying hard continually and blindly.

Ever, I considered to talk to my roommates, but they are always busy. Sometimes, I want to find a person to talk to, and yet I can’t find a suitable one. Although every thing as if a buskined going, I never sad or woeful. It is because of I know how I am grieved, I still have to live on earth. Moreover, there is no anything will be changed by my sad. Also, I need growth with isolation, it will make me brave.

Up to now, I believe there is lot of people having like experience as me. Despite I don’t know how they do; I trust they also cross themselves. So, I need to overcome myself, however it is difficult. Furthermore, I have had no excuse to escape any inevitable fact since I owned my memory. Although this is not a life which I am looking for, I can’t turn back, because there is no way for me turning back. Everyone is grown by various frustration, everyone is also standing on it and going to their achievement. Therefore, it strengthens my confidence to study constantly.

In future, I don’t know how I will be, because there are plenty of possibility will happen. Anyway, I hope I can do anything without regret. I deeply believe there is no regretful value, if you have tired your hard and paid your heart on everything. No one can preview their life, no one can predict their road, everyone only know they should cope with fate, me too.

-Sometime-

Sometimes, we don’t know the road where it is. Sometimes, we are confused when we are walking on the road. Sometimes, we lost way, although we are practical. There are too many “sometimes”, but we never know what time they will encounter us, so we always feel distracted when we are being innocent,silly and foolish sometimes.

Ever, somebody told me that living on earth, I should brave to face every challenge, deal with many problems. And they said, “All of your experience are testing you, making you stay stronger and living with wisdom. Then you will be a man ultimately.” At the time, I couldn’t understand. I think it was because of I was still too young. However I’ve got it by paying amount of cost that I never forget. Up to now, I don’t know whether I’ve become a man. I just know working and playing everything in concentration is my mission. Account for I have grown, it means I should confront my fate and cope with it. Probably I will lose, I maybe also win. No one can preview future, no one can predict hereafter. Everyone only can do their best…can do their best only, although get failure sometimes.

It is raining, is still raining, have been raining since last night. Now, I feel cool every time when I am going out, especially going to library at night. Perhaps, it is a barrier …Despite I feel isolated and appalling while I am walking on the dark path which directs me to reach my accommodation, I sense silent and peaceful in my heart sometimes.